Horizon Revisited
by Meesh
Summary: A closer look at the original dialogue on Horizon between Kaidan Alenko and female Shepard - assuming they fell in love in ME1. Rated T for weak language and *very* subtle allusions to adult situations.
1. Chapter 1

So. I have a beef with fan fics, Horizon, BioWare, and conceptions about all these events in conjunction with one another. It may not be a popular view, but I am okay with this. I think Horizon _was _well written. It fit the anger, hurt, and struggling that Kaidan must have been going through when femShep finally stood in front of him. Not only did she – according to his POV/knowledge – not try to contact him, she's working with one of the groups they hated together; a group that killed countless innocent people. Gotta cut the guy some slack!

But anyway, Horizon was painful and it was supposed to be. It's **hard** to deal with that. I think the dialogue was great. The delivery, on the other hand, was more than subpar for what Kaidan and Shepard shared in ME1. There wasn't enough hurt, enough underlying emotion, to give the lines their proper due. I have rectified that in what is probably an _entirely _too long fan fic. It's the conversation on Horizon, in 4,000 words. Please let me know what you think of it. All criticism is absolutely appreciated; I really mean it.

(Also, if anyone is interested in some flavor music to give more voice to Shepard's emotions during this, check out "Ghost Love Story" by Nightwish. The fic's too long to read along without looping repeatedly, but I promise it's exactly the feeling I was going for.)

* * *

><p>The ship blasted away, severely damaged but clearly not enough to actually <em>stop it.<em> Shepard groaned to herself, praying EDI would get one final blast in, to take the damn thing down. Her head shook with frustration. _Gone again._ She failed every person aboard that…vessel. A voice broke through the roar of engines, frustrated and worried.

"No! Don't let them get away!" The mechanic they spotted earlier ran up, yelling toward the rapidly disappearing blaze of exhaust. _Great._ Now she got to deal with a hysteric survivor. Could this mission get any worse?

She put on her marine face and took a deep breath. The apology that managed to seep into her voice was seemingly unavoidable. "…There's nothing we can do. They're gone."

"Half the colony's in there! They took Egan and Sam and...and Lilith! Do something!" Poor guy, he lost all his friends. She knew what _that _was like.

She would be honest with him, though. "I didn't want it to end this way. I did what I could."

The scarred turian behind her softly spoke; she appreciated the verbal gesture. He really was a good friend. "More than most, Shepard."

The abandoned mechanic's voice suddenly went icy cold. "Shepard? Wait. I know that name." He peered at her, surprisingly effective at making her feel uncomfortable. Her eyes diverted to look at the ground. She was so sick of the reactions her last name garnered! "Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."

Great. Someone _else _who didn't like her for absolutely no reason. She opened her mouth to reply, but she was cut off by a voice from her past. Her dreams. No, it couldn't be…did he survive the collection? Was she finally going insane?

l==============l

Kaidan sighed to himself, flexing muscles. He had failed. There was nothing he could have done to prevent it; whatever those flying things were affected him as well. Thank goodness for his biotics, they seemed to give him an edge on breaking its effects. They successfully immobilized him and kept him from helping anyone, though. _Damn it._

He walked around, looking for any survivors. _Someone_ had reactivated the turrets and shot at the ship. The targeting was completely bunk; who did it? Maybe the mechanic wasn't useless, assuming he survived. Too bad that mechanic hated his g- _Wait. That voice._ His stomach turned into a gravity well, causing him to lose his breath. Did he hear what he thought he heard? He saw the mechanic, talking to someone. They were obscured by the wall of crates.

"I didn't want it to end this way. I did what I could."

_Her voice: trying to be controlled, feeling like she's failed; apologetic despite herself. It can't be.._ His eyes widened further when the next voice made itself known, quiet as always.

"More than most, Shepard."

_Garrus now?_ What would that turian be doing here? Well, if it was her…why would she take Garrus and not him? The reports were actually true? No, she wouldn't…she couldn't. After what they found…? Delan's tone immediately shifted to near hostility, and despite himself, Kaidan couldn't quite stop his feathers from ruffling. How dare he? The mechanic who ran and hid, while she just tried to help them…

Before he knew what he was doing, he walked from behind the crates, confirming what the dolt had just suggested: that she was, in fact, standing before him. His eyes widened and he had to swallow a frog in his throat when he first caught sight of her. Her hair was a brighter red than he remembered, but her eyes…the vivid green stood out against those cheekbones…

_No. You need answers. Don't go there._ He forced his voice to a neutral tone, purposefully light. The mechanic had no idea who they were, _what _they were.

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend, Delan." Another lump in his throat threatened to impede his speaking. He paused to clear it, but then their eyes met. He stopped to take the breath he didn't know he was holding. "…And a ghost."

l==============l

Shock held her in place. Her eyes were glued to the ground in front of her, wide and scared. What if she looked up and he wasn't there? The voice, that voice, _his voice, _kept ringing through her ears. It…was strained. She couldn't look up and have it be her imagination. Maybe if she kept staring at the ground, it'd talk forever. Maybe even say her full name; her first name, at least. No one did these days…no one did in those days, either, really; only he did. That one time. The voice stopped for a moment. Was it her imagination? Her eyes flickered toward the sound of the voice to confirm her insanity, and her senses were hit like a metric ton of bricks. Soft, dark brown eyes met vibrant green.

_He's here._ She finally tuned into what he was saying. "…And a ghost." _A ghost._ That's…what she would be to him… after all this time. Her eyes blinked closed, holding back tears. When they reopened, she was focused on the damned ground again. He was being careful, even now. Delan said something before walking away. She didn't give a damn what he had said; probably something disparaging. Damn it all! Here? _Now?_

l==============l

Not surprisingly, the hatred Delan initially threw at Shepard was immediately redirected to Kaidan. "All the good people we lost, and you get left behind. Figures. Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types."

That wasn't unexpected at all. Kaidan barely registered the angry words, staring at the woman in front of him. She was there. Real. Alive. Dressed in armor. Saving the damn galaxy again. Something was different about her face…what was it? His legs didn't listen to his mind; it screamed to stay where he was, this could all be a trap. They moved forward, slowly, until he stood in front of her. She looked up. The green eyes that haunted his night and day stared back at him, shining with unshed tears. She would never let anyone in her crew see her cry…he had to… _No. Don't. Don't do it, you won't want to–_

His arms didn't listen to his mind, either. They folded around her like a homecoming. She fit against him like a glove, familiar and safe. Her arms pressed against his own back, causing him to draw a breath inward. It released in a soft, quiet sigh of relief. She was alive. Her hair smelled like it always did: a mixture of regulation shampoo, overheated gun-packs, and berries. She was the only woman he ever met who wore body spray in armor.

His eyes opened and noted there was a third party there; Garrus, he didn't care about. He could watch all he wanted. But who was the woman with far too little clothing? He immediately spotted a Cerberus symbol on her pack, eyes slamming back shut. _No. No. No, no, no. It can't be true. She wouldn't. She **couldn't**._ His arms slowly released their hold on her, taking a step back to watch her again. At least her tears had disappeared for now. He said the only thing he could process. He was torn between anger and crying as he kissed her. He…couldn't. Not now. Not here. Not with…who that may be behind her.

"...I thought you were dead, Shepard." He cleared his throat again. No tears. "We all did."


	2. Chapter 2

He didn't say anything. Fire flickered in the background, the wind began blowing again: the only two sounds she could understand. She refused to look back up. Maybe she'd wake up at any moment, a horrible dream. Maybe the whole thing was a dream. She never died; she was just knocked out when the Normandy was destroyed. She fell _into _the escape pod and they hadn't gotten her to wake yet. _Please let this be a bad dream._

Just when she thought she had her tears – near tears, that is – under control, boots appeared in her view. Human boots. Human male boots. Not Miranda's. Was he really… She looked up, tilted her head to the familiar angle. Their eyes met again. He looked…older. He was only 35, but already he looked weary of the world. Did _she_ do this to him? Her eyes betrayed her and began to fill with tears again. She wanted to reach up, touch his face. Prove this was real. Before her arms could be convinced to move, he leaned forward. His arms went around her, secure and real. Immediately she closed her eyes and gently reached to hold him against her. Even with their armor in the way, they clearly belonged together.

Her muscles relaxed, weeks of confusion falling away from her thoughts. She didn't want to think it, but she couldn't help it. _I feel...human again._ Each eye let a tear leak out and trail down her cheeks. The serene moment was all too brief as he carefully extracted himself from her, even taking a step back. Cautious again. Why? She watched him as he spoke to her, borderline frantic at his distance.

He just hugged her. Maybe…he _had_ moved on. This was a goodbye. She had to prepare herself for that possibility. Diplomacy was normally a strong suit of hers, but not today. Not now. She…couldn't think straight. Not when he looked at her like that. She took a deep breath before attempting to explain. There _was _no explanation. It was all crazy. All of it! She just…had to prepare. In case. A way out.

"It's been…too long, Kaidan. How… How 've you been?"

l==============l

_How have you been? How have you **been**? _That's the best she could come up with? Kaidan stared at her, wide eyed with hurt. His temper didn't flare often, but when it did, it was quick, nearly uncontrollable. He tried to filter his words as best he could. She looked…fragile. What did they do to her?

"Is that all you have to say? You…show up after two years and just act like…_nothing_ happened." His jaw worked, but he tried to ignore it. These words had to be spoken. "I thought we had something, Shepard. Something _real_. I…I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart." He paused to close his eyes; anything to remove the haunted green gaze that watched him softly. "How…how could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" He didn't dare open his eyes again. Not until he heard her answer. He had to know.

l==============l

She wanted the ground to open a hole and swallow her whole. The pain, the anger in his voice; she knew she deserved it. All of it. She pushed hard, asked Anderson and everyone on the Citadel she could trust about him. Anderson refused to tell her; Udina was a joke as always. The Council didn't know anything. She even swallowed her pride and asked the Illusive Man where he was. No one would tell her. That…shouldn't have stopped her. She should've lit out and just _looked _for him. Found him. Sent his family a message to pass on. _Something._

When his eyes closed, she bit down hard on her lower lip. Tears managed to stay precariously hanging on her eyelids; no more would drop. She wouldn't let them. She had to explain, make him understand… To apologize, at least.

"I'm…I'm sorry, Kaidan. I was clinically," she had to take a deep breath. The word was even hard to say now. "…dead. It took two years to bring me back." Maybe he had moved on. She wasn't a good enough woman to actually expect him to wait around for two years. Hoped, sure, but…maybe… She took a gamble; a gentle, cautious gamble. "So much time has passed. You've…moved on. I don't want to reopen old wounds."

_Even if that's exactly what I'm doing._

l==============l

He'd never move on; not completely. Sure, he'd find someone who was funny and witty and beautiful, and he'd end up marrying them and having a brood in Canada. But he still wouldn't move on from the woman in front of him. Her suggesting she thought he had both hurt and humbled him. Her voice was nervous. She was worried he had moved on, but left the possibility open for him. Even now, she was thinking of him. "I…did move on."

Her bottom lip sucked in, biting down. He hated it when she did that. He couldn't help an addendum. "At least," he paused to gaze in her eyes one last time, "I thought I did." He moved on, not able to handle their locked gaze any longer. It would only end in a tearful, silent reunion; and he had to know the truth. His eyes painfully yanked themselves away from hers, landing on the Cerberus symbol on the young woman. "…But now we've got reports about you and Cerberus."

l==============l

"Reports? You mean you already knew?"

Garrus's voice broke the tension, reminding both of them that they weren't alone. Her posture immediately straightened, her face attempting to follow suit. It was stony again, but her eyes were wide and wet, the streaks of her initial wayward tears beginning to dry already. He took a similar stance, his face under better control – except for an unnaturally dimpled cheek. She knew he was biting the inside.

His gaze swiveled to the turian, trusting himself to properly speak to _him _instead of _her._ "Alliance intel thought that Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies." He paused to let that sink in. "They got a…tip this colony might be the next one to get hit."

She gasped quietly; her version of a gasp, anyway. Shepard didn't _gasp._ Not in public, anyway… _No, no, no. Don't go there. Not now._ He blinked and cleared his mind of the memories as best he could. At the soft intake of breath through her nose, he looked back to her again. He couldn't help it. "Anderson…stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead. That you were," his eyes flickered over to the strange woman once more, "working for the enemy." He returned brown to green, hoping for the answer he wanted to hear. That she _wasn't._

l==============l

She knew what he wanted to hear. She wanted to tell him it; she wanted to so bad. But she couldn't lie to him. It was a weakness of hers. Her jaw set for a few moments as she worked out the wording. She was _not _Cerberus. They were willing to give her the funds needed to do the job the Council wouldn't let her, but…no, that wouldn't work. She was Alliance, always was and always would be. He _knew _that. He _knew her. _How could…

She sighed, explaining as best she could. "Cerberus and I want the same thing: to save our colonies." Her brow furrowed, and her eyes hardened. She _meant _this next part. "That doesn't mean I answer to them."

l==============l

She was. _She was. _The reports were true. She was telling him! He couldn't…it…the…no. No, this wasn't Shepard. She wasn't that trusting. She couldn't… He had to plead with her, make her see.

"Do you really believe that? Or…or is that just what Cerberus _wants_ you to think?" He crossed his arms, mostly to keep his hands from visibly shaking. "I _wanted_ to believe the rumors that you were alive, but…I never expected anything like this." _Easy, Alenko. Don't burn this bridge completely._ His mind was ignored once again, this time by his temper. How dare she work for terrorists? She was the best, the brightest of humanity and she was being duped by _them_?

"You turned your back on…on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed _me_. You turned your back on everything _we_ stood for!"

Her eyes immediately refilled with tears and he realized he had gone too far with the last line. _They_ didn't stand for the Alliance; they were…them. His mouth opened, shocked with himself; but it was too late. She was already forming a response. He couldn't fix it. _What did I do?_

l==============l

_You turned your back on everything _we _stood for. _The words kept echoing through her mind like a death knell. She never turned her back on him! They…they broke every rule in the book together, even something as minor as breach of protocol. He _knew_ her! He knew she wouldn't do this unless absolutely necessary. She couldn't help the pleading in her voice. _Listen to me._

"Kaidan, you _know_ me. You know I'd…only do this for the right reason."

He turned thoughtful in a heartbeat. His mouth closed, arms loosened; muscles relaxed. Her plea seemed to work, if only a little. It was enough. He trusted her, somewhat. Enough to not be angry at her. He didn't hate her for something he _knew, _he just _knew, _she didn't like. The tears slowly began to recede.

l==============l

She had a point. She always had a point. Why was she so damn charismatic? Was it just him, or did everyone just fall into her words, because she was always right? They did break rules, but not this horribly. She just couldn't really believe them. They had to be tricking her. When they brought her back, did they…implant her with something? The two of them saw the horrors this group inflicted; she would never work for them!

He and his voice both cracked. This was too much; he could already feel a killer migraine coming on. "I…want to believe you, Shepard." He shot a growingly painful but menacing look to the woman with the Cerberus outfit. "But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if _they're_ behind it? What if _they're_ working with the Collectors?"

l==============l

Garrus, once again the neutral voice of reason, crashed into their conversation. This time, though, he was angry. "Dammit, Kaidan! You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat!"

Kaiden's eyes swiveled to the turian and narrowed. The two held their gaze until Shepard finally spoke. The words she offered shocked him to the core. They were thoughtful, quiet, and set. He now knew she wouldn't be budged. Not even by him.

l==============l

She watched the two stare each other down. Forgotten, at least by Kaidan's gaze for the moment, she collected her thoughts. She didn't want to end on bad terms with him, if this _was _the end. If they didn't come back from their suicide mission, she wanted him to know how she felt about him, even now. But…if she did that, she may be scarring him forever. Telling him she loved him wouldn't do anything but make it even harder for him to walk away. She loved him too much to do that. If he were going to come, or at least not hate her, he needed to do it on his own terms. His own time.

An old quote came to the front of her mind: _If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were._ Relying on clichés angered her more than most things, but it fit in this case. She had to let him find his own way…even if that way wasn't with her. Resolve slowly set in, her jaw tightening. Her voice was kept carefully neutral, tears slowly disappearing. She had a plan; she hated it, but now she had one. He had to be set free.

"You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts."

l==============l

He didn't look away from Garrus at first; not when she began to speak. He didn't trust himself not to crumple into a pile of pathetic biotic bones when he looked back to her. She radiated her unique brand of courage. It was sad, almost pleading, but he knew the steel in her voice when he heard it.

"Maybe." He paused to let the concession sink in. "Or…maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe _you're_ the one who's not thinking straight."

His gaze finally reconnected with hers, their mutual sadness nearly tangible. It twisted between them like a cord. They both knew what was coming next. He took the plunge with a simple, "You've changed." A short, sad statement. They both had. When she died, they both did in a way. Now they were two new people, with a second lease on life. Their paths were too different to stay together right now. His belonged with the Alliance.

"…But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance solider. Always will be. I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not." He turned before she could respond, somehow managing to force his unwilling legs to move him away. Slowly.

l==============l

As always, he did it first. He was the one who took the hit. She tried to initiate the painful part, but he stole it from her one last time. How typically…him. The thought brought back the tears she had _just _successfully fought off. Damn it. He was walking away, now. Her throat closed. Could she do it? Could she let him walk away? They found each other, albeit both broken. Worn. Hurt. Could she let him leave? She…had to.

Her hand lifted to begin hailing Joker, but somehow her body worked against her. Instead of reaching for her com button, she turned to watch his back fully. Her voice cracked, the first true sign of distress either of her companions actually heard or saw.

"I could…use someone like you in my crew, Kaidan. It'll be…just like old times." A weak plea, one final call. Her voice barely even held out until the end, a thread of sound reaching to him. Things would never be the same, and she knew it; so did he. But she would regret it if she didn't let him know: he could walk away, but she was willing to welcome him back anyway. She always would.

l==============l

Her voice beckoned to him like a siren. His feet immediately stopped moving, his head dropped. It was a desperate offer, and she knew it. He'd never heard her so weak before: her voice actually cracked. _No. Don't do it. It hurts, but this is right for now._ His fists clenched as he fought to listen to his logical side for once. He got the obvious reason out of the way, out in the open. The thing he could blame for all this.

"No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus." Cerberus was easy to blame. They brought her back, and gave him the one thing he wanted more than anything; then they took her away before either of them had a say in the matter. Set them on separate paths.

Separating his anger from her helped loosen the part of him that was aching to forgive. It wasn't _her_ fault. It's not like she made a deal with them in case she died or anything. No one asked her what she wanted. He forced himself to turn one last time, look into those green eyes. This time, both their eyes shone with unshed tears. His voice was lower, softer. _He _pleaded with _her _this time. "Goodbye, Shepard. And…_be careful_." He turned and dragged his feet away before he threw himself at her.

l==============l

_Be careful._ Be careful. Be careful. Why? If he…did he forgive her? _No. No, no. Stop thinking stupid, hopeful thoughts_. Her eyes never left his until they turned, never left his body until it disappeared from sight. Once he was truly gone, and she waited a few long moments to see if he'd run back, her eyes closed and two more tears fell again. Her hand now followed her orders, snapping up to jam her finger into the com button. Her voice was controlled, but thick.

"Joker - send the shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony."

She was going to put her helmet back on before she turned around, much less got on the ship. Only one person was allowed to see her like this, and he just walked away.


End file.
